Last week, retired baseball player and best-selling steroids tattletale Jose Canseco announced that he was staging a boxing event in Atlantic City, offering $5,000 to whoever he fights and claiming that he would choose his opponent from submissions to his AOL email address. If this makes you suspect that Canseco might be hard up for money, you're right – his home in Encino, California has been foreclosed.

On Tuesday, Canseco revealed his chosen opponent – former Philadelphia Eagles kick returner Vai Sikahema. Canseco is six-foot-three, 240 pounds while Sikahema is five-foot-nine, 180 pounds, so Canseco obviously doesn't believe in fighting people his own size. But if you think this is a weird match-up, you should see some of the guys he rejected that I saw on this list I just made up.

Kimbo Slice – the Youtube legend and rising mixed martial arts star has the size and ferocity to beat Canseco to a bloody pulp, but Jose claimed he rejected Slice because his beard creeped him out.

Dustin Diamond – "Screech" from Saved By The Bell is pretty hard up for money himself and he has already appeared in a celebrity boxing show, but Canseco is still mad that Diamond rejected his proposal to team up on a sequel to his "Saved By The Smell" sex tape.

Uwe Boll – The German director of terrible, terrible movies achieved a new level of infamy in 2006 when he invited five of his harshest critics to 10-round boxing matches. He beat all five opponents and was hoping to get back in the ring with Canseco to help promote his latest affront to film-making, the video game adaptation "Postal". Canseco's mad that he wasn't allowed to audition for the film – even after he had rented a "sexy mailman" costume with a mesh top.

Me – I guess I wasn't famous enough to be considered. I really just wanted the money, and I thought my strategy of "covert nut-punching" was a sure-fire winner. Of course, now I realize that all those steroids he took have probably made my intended target pretty much non-existent.

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