I've been awfully serious in this column lately, which is surprising when you consider that part of the reason I chose to call it "The 5 Hole" is that – if you don't know it's a hockey reference – you might think it was some obscure sexual euphemism. Heck, my boss almost didn't let me use that title when I started this column because she thought it sounded "dirty".

Well, when I read the details of a financial affidavit from Shaquille O'Neal's divorce proceeding, I knew I had to share them with you, the readers. I also knew I had to make jokes about them.

Read on for the shocking details of how Shaq spends his money on a monthly basis...

$17,000 for clothes
This might seem like a lot to you, but imagine how much it must cost to get custom Renaissance Faire costumes made in Shaq's size, all emblazoned with the Superman logo, of course. Boy, that's a lotta velvet!

$22,000 for maid service
What kind of maid service is this? If it's ex-Victoria Secret models dressed in sexy French Maid costumes, only then will I declare this is worth that kind of money.

$111,000 for vacations
I actually did a little bit of research for this one. Since Shaq is playing basketball for two-thirds of the year, he really only has around four months to vacation. It turns out you can rent an entire island in Fiji for a week for $275,000. Well, maybe Shaq likes to book that island for him and his friends to enjoy for an entire month. Yep, that'll about do it. Speaking of vacations, my wife and I are planning a fun and exciting trip to Nova Scotia later this year. I hear the lobster is terrific out there!

$1,500 for cable TV service
I guess if you can afford it, why wouldn't you have your cable company activate all the pay-per-view and premium channels 24 hours a day? That way, you can avoid the embarrassment of having to call them to activate the Hustler Channel when you're alone on a Friday night. Um, not that I'd know from personal experience.

$23,000 for gasoline
I don't have a joke for this. Actually, I'm pretty disgusted by it. Enjoy your war, America!

Feedback or column suggestions? Send them to the-5-hole@hotmail.com.