Remember that hit song from 2000, "It Wasn't Me", by reggae singer Shaggy? It was an absurd song about a guy whose girlfriend catches him cheating but refuses to admit it in spite of the overwhelming evidence. To refresh your memory, the lyrics to the chorus went:

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

That was essentially Roger Clemens' testimony on Wednesday. In spite of the fact that...

• Clemens' trainer, Brian McNamee, claimed to have supplied HGH and/or steroids to Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettitte and Clemens – and Knoblauch and Pettitte confirmed McNamee's claims
• Pettitte claimed in written testimony that Clemens told him he had used HGH
• McNamee supplied Clemens' wife with HGH before her 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit photoshoot

...Clemens would have us believe that McNamee is lying, Pettitte "misremembered" their conversation (Pettitte claims that he immediately told his wife about Clemens' admission) and Clemens' wife didn't talk to Roger before she allowed McNamee to administer HGH.

When you add all this up, is Shaggy's defence any more absurd? And yet, I've seen multiple online polls asking which person do you believe – McNamee or Clemens – and  Clemens is consistently receiving a third of the votes. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people?

I've received a bunch of e-mails from people complaining that it's not fair for me to say that I know Clemens is lying because there's no way I can really know the truth. Well, they might have a point in that I was never actually in the room when Clemens took a shot in the butt. Is that what it takes to pass judgement on someone these days – videotaped footage of Clemens getting injected followed by him saying, "Ahhh, those are some good steroids?"

Of course, even if there was that tape, Clemens would say he shot that footage as part of a planned anti-drug PSA that was never completed. Don't laugh, Clemens said that his conversation with Pettitte was actually about a TV show – and I'll quote him directly here – "about three older men that were using HGH and getting back their quality of life from that."

Wait a minute, is Clemens talking about the movie, Cocoon? Were those alien cocoons leaking HGH into the pool? Somebody find Wilford Brimley and check his shoe size.

Look, I don't actually care whether or not Roger Clemens took steroids or HGH. He could have been mainlining horse adrenaline for all I care. What kills me is that he actually expects us to believe his ridiculous lies. We know you did it, Roger! Just admit it! Man up, Rocket!

It's probably too late for Clemens to come clean now. He most likely perjured himself under oath and could soon be facing the same sort of legal problems as Barry Bonds. You could make the case that the same stubborn self-assuredness that made Clemens and Bonds the best pitcher and hitter of their generation is what leads them to think they can convince people with the sheer force of their wills that they didn't take performance-enhancing drugs.

The whole spectacle of Wednesday's hearing was most certainly ridiculous and wasteful. But while I understand why some people would think that Congress has more important things to worry about than whether or not Roger Clemens was on the juice, I'm reminded of a quote by political humourist P.J. O'Rourke: "Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby."

For me, the hearing was worthwhile because it definitively revealed Clemens to be dishonourable, egomaniacal, and a big, fat liar. Forget about whether or not he bled through his pants in 2001 from an abscess caused by steroid injections, I'm amazed his pants didn't burst into flames on Capitol Hill.

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